Who is ASH?

CW: sexual abuse

I wanted to start my blog the same way my life began, with rape. It's my first memory and I have no idea how many times I was abused before that moment, nor if any moment after included my abuse. Yet I remember this moment vividly, devoid of all context and that has a lot to do with how my two year-old self decided to cope with it.

I'd had enough wherewithal to tell my abuser to stop, and though I'd been coerced into being apart of my own abuse, I did stop it. While you might read that and have some level of admiration for me taking control of that moment, the knowledge that I was capable of saying "no," only furthers the disgust that I feel for myself.

While I was too young to understand what was initially happening, I still didn't like what was happening to me. I didn't like it but I not only allowed it to happen, I became a participant in my own abuse. This is the power of love and may be a reason why I've consistently had trouble forming meaningful bonds with the people in my life.

Outside of shock value, why start my writing blog off this way? Well I wanted to do this for three reasons.

The first is to explain why I'm so reticent to share who I am as a person and why I can come off as distant and even cold to people that I genuinely care about. I don't mean to be cruel or unappreciative, I simply have trouble trusting kindness and love. Let me make this perfectly clear, love was used as a primary motivator for me to be complicit in continuing my abuse.

I've heard that abuse strips someone of their identity and as a person who started their life being abused, it makes a kind of sense that I've always struggled to figure out who I am. I've been told I'm kind, selfish, intelligent, dumb, and on and on at all of the extremes. So I've had a great deal of trouble figuring out who I am and where I fit in with the world. As such, I don't want to be identified as a person. I used to think that I used a symbol to identify myself because I want my work to be judged for its own merit, but with some soul searching and honest reflection I came to realize that I'm scared of others seeing me and judging me. I use a logo to identify myself not just because it's a marketing idea, but because I am genuinely scared of being judged. While I've overcome that fear in the past, people generally grow tired of me and come to hate me with time, so I see no reason to continue to test my mental fortitude.

Finally, I wanted to start with this story because I genuinely believe that how I coped with this initial moment of sexual abuse came to define me as a person and as a writer. After the act, in a moment that I cannot physically remember, I remembered my mind coming to the conclusion that I was capable of ignoring this event. If I believed it was a dream, it would effectively be one. I made this conscious decision. It's my belief that I have holes in my memory because I trained myself to cope this way and that my reaction to stimulus can be mechanical and distant when it probably shouldn't be. In short, I overthink things and can explore extremely dark thoughts without any emotional connection to those ideas.

If you've known me in person, please do not engage with me publicly. Many of you are capable of getting my number, so I see no good faith reason for trying to contact me publicly. I've decided to write with a certain amount of anonymity, and I ask that you respect that. I know that I've made a lot of mistakes and even hurt people, but know that I've always tried to respect the privacy and autonomy of others regardless of how my actions might've appeared. I am doing my best to be a better person and I have no intention of putting down anyone from my past. Let me make this perfectly clear: None of my characters are about you. Please leave me alone.

I understand that writing as a logo and using what appears to be an online handle does not make it easy to identify with me as a person. That's fine. I don't want that. I want my readers to read my work and view the work by what is said. I am not my characters and I frequently agree and disagree with the actions, philosophies, and messages my work portrays. While I write with thematic intent it is not my intention to persuade you to my way of thinking. I don't always understand where my work is coming from until the story is finished. While I acknowledge that no author is divorced from their work, it is my naive idea that you may enjoy the work in this way.

If that's the case, why have a website? Why start this discussion about myself as an author while pushing my abuse to the front?

Well the simple answer is that I understand that most readers don't believe in death of the author and that modern marketing tends to revolve around promoting an author as a commodity. While I don't personally agree with this outlook on fiction, I want to give those with an opposing view some insight into my train-of-thought and an opportunity to engage with me. I can't control the world, so I try to adapt to the world we have rather than create a narrative that enforces my world view onto others.

Beyond that, I've made connections as an author with other authors. I've come to meet and talk with many intelligent, patient, understanding, supportive, and even enjoyable people through twitter. I enjoy talking about writing as a larger idea and find myself rooting for their success. That platform has allowed me to connect with writers in ways I never intended to, so I'd like to keep channels for dialogue open, while also providing some insight into my mind beyond 280 characters.

I'm a logo, but I'm also a person behind that logo, and I will never pretend that I don't exist, nor do I intend to lie about who I am to try and create an air of mystery. I'm simply not going to be forthcoming about my identity. Hopefully this explanation has provided enough for people to respect my wishes of privacy, but I imagine super-fame would make this impossible. That being said, there are worse fates than becoming so wealthy that I become the target of ridicule. Hopefully I don't come to regret this decision down the line.

I am A S H. All capital letters. I'm a novelist of fiction, primarily fantasy. Through this website I will provide updates on my WIPs, publication news, any events I may attend, and occasional bits of personal information. Yes, these admissions of personal information are hypocritical, but if you're like me and care about death of the author, you won't be looking for this. So to all of you that care more about who I am than what I'm writing: I say to you, "welcome," and "I hope my characters feel human when I so rarely do."